Russia 1 – 0 Greece

I know that everyone is blasting Greek keeper Antonis Nikopolidis for his inexcusable decision to vacate the net going for a cross, a lapse in judgment that led to the easiest goal Russia’s Konstantin Zurianov will ever score. I’m not trying to justify the gray-haired goalie’s senior moment, which carried him ten yards outside his post and left him flailing wildly at a pass he had no chance of stopping, but some of the blame has to fall on the once-impenetrable Greek defense.

As the initial cross drifted wide and Nikopolidis went chasing after it, five defenders stood absolutely motionless as Zurianov camped in front of a wide open net. Nobody made any attempt at marking, much less at covering the gaping mouth of the goal. Compare this to a moment in the day’s first game in which two Swedish defenders got in front of a shot as their keeper Andreas Isaksson lay on the ground, probably trying to remember his own name after taking a Spanish knee to the face.

Perhaps Greece’s defenders were as dumbfounded as everybody else by Nikopolidis’s insane dash, but that doesn’t excuse their failure to react until it was far too late. It is a fullback’s job to cover for a goalie who has left his line, ill-advised or not. The most any of the Greeks could manage was Sotirios Kyrgiakos raising his hand in an apparent appeal for offside, a gesture as hopelessly optimistic as any of Ralph Nader’s presidential campaigns, and as meaningless given that the ball to Zurianov was played backwards.

Nikopolidis, a.k.a. Clooney, committed a truly unforgettable blunder (ESPN’s Rece Davis beat me to an easy ‘O Brother, Where Art Thou?’ joke, which meant the best I could come up with was a very weak ‘Aegean’s Eleven’ reference), but if even one defender had taken a few steps, the entire sequence might already be a distant memory, much like Greece’s 2004 triumph.

Netherlands 4 – 1 France

The Oranje continued their tear through the Group of Death today, clinching a place in the quarterfinals with a thorough demolition of France. For those keeping score at home, the Dutch now have seven goals in two games against both finalists from 2006’s World Cup. If I were a coach at any level my players would be watching these two games on an endless loop, because you couldn’t possibly draw up a more impressive offensive display than that which Marco van Basten’s squad has given us in the last few days

Second-half substitutes Arjen Robben and Robin van Persie made their coach look brilliant by combining for a goal created by Ruud van Nistelrooy’s ridiculous Maradona spin/no-look pass. I know we don’t keep track of secondary assists in soccer (one of only two instances in which hockey is superior, the other being league-sanctioned fighting), but if we did Ruud’s would be an all-time epic.

My favorite moment of the match, however, had nothing to do with soccer. After Wesley Sneijder laced home an unnecessary but gorgeous fourth goal, ESPN’s Adrian Healey reacted with “Well it’s a Dutch Oven…and the French are toast.” If anybody thought this blog was too good for fart jokes, you had better think again.

Austria 1 – 1 Poland

Ivica Vastic, the oldest player in the tournament, converted an injury time penalty kick to give Austria a draw with Poland and, in a development nobody saw coming, make the Germany-Austria match on Monday relevant. The Ottakringer Brewery in Vienna now owes him a lifetime supply of beer, which begs the question “Does Ivica Vastic need a new best friend?”

Roger Guerreiro was unquestionably offside when he scored for Poland, and Sebastien Prodl went down at the slightest of jersey tugs to earn Austria’s penalty, making this the first game of the tournament truly marred by bad officiating. Both teams have legitimate complaints about the other side’s goal, and I’m amazed that any referee would award a penalty so late in the game for such a minor foul, but in my mind the two mistakes cancel each other out and the draw is a fair outcome. Nobody will be expecting Austria to beat Germany and advance out of the group stage, but you can bet the atmosphere for their game will be electric. If you’re a neutral fan and you’re pulling for Germany, you quite obviously have no soul.

Croatia 2 – 1 Germany

This was very clearly the marquee matchup of Group B, seeing as the only Austria-Poland storyline anybody seemed interested in was the possibility of free beer for life. Both teams took the full three points from their openers. Germany looked impressive in a 2-0 win over a Polish team running a particularly inept offside trap, and although Croatia did not give an especially commanding performance in beating co-host Austria 1-0, their status as a dark horse pick to win the tournament attests to the quality of their squad.

I’ve been a Tottenham supporter for the past seven years, so I was looking forward to watching new Spurs signing Luka Modric. I admit that I know next to nothing about him (I must have had class during FSC’s Croatian League Review Show last semester), and I was a little too hungover to notice much more than his (poorly-taken) penalty in Croatia’s first match, but everyone seems to be raving about him so I’m excited to see him at White Hart Lane next year.

Croatia struck first in the 24th minute, with Darijo Srna finishing a nice cross from Danijel Pranjic following some very patient ball movement. After Modric controlled the ball deep in their own half, Croatia strung together 15 passes before Srna made German defender Marcell Jansen look absolutely terrible in beating him to the ball. Give credit to Ivan Rakitic, whose run into the box drew three defenders and gave Pranjic time to settle the ball, look up, send a quick text, grab a bite to eat and then pick out Srna.

Anybody know exactly what Croatian coach Slaven Bilic’s lucky charm is? ESPN’s cameras caught him kissing something feverishly before putting it in his pocket. Personally, I hope it’s a guitar pick.

In the 47th minute Michel Ballack had the ball cleanly tackled away near the top of Croatia’s box. After crying out and rolling on the ground in faux-agony, he sat there pouting momentarily before getting up when he realized Germany had kept the ball and was mounting an attack. Ballack then proceeded to send a decent chance well over the bar. Just a minute…Yep, I still hate him. All in all, a pretty awful performance by the German captain.

Croatia’s second goal was the result of two very fortunate bounces, but Ivica Olic was much quicker to react to the rebound off the post than the two German defenders who looked on helplessly. Lukas Podolski managed to get one back for Germany with another left-footed strike, continuing to be Germany’s only offense (Miroslav Klose might as well be invisible, and Mario Gomez has managed to flub a gift-wrapped opportunity against Poland and get caught offside repeatedly against Croatia).

In an impossibly idiotic move, Bastian Schweinsteiger earned himself a straight red (Hey, that’s the name of this blog!) by shoving Jerko Leko directly in front of the linesman during injury time with his team down a goal, effectively ending the game. The talking heads at ESPN all seemed to think a red card was a little harsh, but I disagree. Sure, Leko slid at Schweinsteiger from behind, and the German didn’t exactly coldcock him, but it was physical violence clearly done in retaliation for a slide tackle. If that doesn’t warrant a red card, what does?

The Croatians reacted to their victory as if they’d just won the whole tournament, but who am I to begrudge them a little celebration? The Germans got outplayed, but their road to the quarterfinals does not look particularly difficult, as they need just a draw with a weak Austrian team to advance even if Croatia decides to send out a second-string team against Poland on Monday.

Netherlands 3 – 0 Italy

“Much like fan zones, facepaint and comedy hats and wigs, a major tournament can never be complete without a Group of Death.” – Adrian Healey during the intro to this game, casually summing up almost everything I love about soccer.

I thought Ruud van Nistelrooy was offside on the first goal, but apparently the refs made the correct decision. Panucci is still considered part of the play even though he was lying on the ground outside the endline. It’s a shame this happened, not because I feel any sympathy whatsoever for the Italians, but because it’s the only goal ESPN’s terrible studio coverage really looked at again. I understand it’s a controversial goal, but I don’t think I could ever see enough replays of the second and third goals.

Those were two of the most beautiful and well-executed counterattacks you will ever see. What strikes me most about them is that they came from what were really the Azzurri’s two best scoring chances of the night, a corner that seemed destined to be a horrifying own-goal and a dangerous free kick from Pirlo that Edwin Van der Sar saved well. Just absolutely incredible soccer. The middle goal, upon leaving Pirlo’s foot in the corner, was touched by six different Dutch players a total of twelve time (I counted) in going from one goal line to the back of the opposite net. The final goal was only slightly less efficient, needing sixteen touches, again by only six players, to go coast-to-coast. Dirk Kuyt would have had an easy finish if not for a poor first touch, but he made up for it by floating that inch-perfect cross to Giovanni Van Bronckhorst, who had three defenders and Buffon within four yards of him as the service fell right to his head.

It’s hard to pick a Man of the Match between Wesley Sneijder and Van Bronckhorst. Both provided classy finishes, and both were key architects in each other’s goals. GVB, hugging the far post like a left defender should, clears a ball off the line then tears down the sideline, receives the ball in space, and lofts a gorgeous cross-field pass which Kuyt nods down neatly for the Sneijder to finish. Sneijder’s recognition of another streaking run by GVB and through-ball were both, to put it simply, brilliant.

Italy looked dangerous from time to time, but had a lot of trouble consistently creating chances. Expect some changes in the lineup against Romania.